It seems like a lot of people got on a bread baking kick during CoronApocalypse; that’s cool. I took a different route. I have been perfecting kimchi.
First, I need to go back. To the dawn of time…or, at least my time. My sisters are probably in agreement that our favorite meal growing up was hot dogs, sauerkraut, and dumplings. Which would fill the house with the smell of sauerkraut. And while a lot of people might think, “eww,” I’m thinking, “put that scent in a candle and I would buy the heck out of it.”
Jump ahead to marrying Justin. When my parents visited us in Germany, before Shea was born, my Mom asked, “what are some meals you would like me to make while I’m here?” I already knew my number one choice! Of course this also lead to a hilarious moment, when Justin put a bite of dumpling in his mouth, made an awkward face, and said, “I don’t think I can swallow this.” My Mom still laughs about it.
But this isn’t a dumpling story. Eventually, Justin told me he did not like sauerkraut. This seemed…unacceptable. What kind of Slovak are you!? He told me the reason he didn’t like it, is because his Mom made it in his bedroom. I spent years picturing Poor Justin, heading off to kindergarten, smelling of fermenting cabbage, because his mom was keeping crocks of it in his bedroom. Poor Justin.
I decided I would only ever make my beloved meal if Justin had to work overnight…which, in the army, happens often. Especially a decade ago, when he was working 24 hours on, 24 hours off. I could air out our apartment and hide the evidence before he came home at 4am! It was a stellar plan—until the one time he got out of his overnight shift, on the exact day sauerkraut was sitting in a crockpot, stinking up the place. I decided to give up the habit, and not offend the poor man.
Years later I found out that Justin’s Mom didn’t actually start her sauerkraut production until after Justin had joined the army and moved away, and to this day I don’t understand why that was the excuse given to me as to why he didn’t like it.
We’re almost to present day. Stay with me.
Three years ago, Justin left for Korea. And he started eating all types of kimchi. We would talk on the phone and he would tell me about this food or that food, that he had tried and liked. Who are you, and what the heck did you do with my husband??
Once back in the states, Justin and I would go out for lunch dates to a little Korean restaurant in Columbus. Suddenly, CoronApocalypse. I started perfecting my bulgogi, and different banchan. After weeks and weeks of trying different recipes from Pinterest, I got myself a Korean cookbook, and I started my adventures in Kimchi.
Making kimchi is an art. I started with small batches. One would be too salty, and the next would be too spicy. Justin and I have eaten so many batches of melt your face off kimchi, but eventually I perfected the ratio of garlic and gochugaru (red pepper flakes, although Xander is adamant that it’s a character from Beyblade Burst).
Can you smell it?!
Of course, if you like kimchi, you’ll love kkakdugi, which Justin tells me means diced radish; it makes more sense than my explanation: COCK-doogie, because daikon tends to be pretty…phallic.
I have actually started planning dinner around kimchi. I cook so much Korean food these days, just so I can load a plate up with rice and kimchi! I also regret not starting making kimchi in Kentucky, simply so I could’ve asked my little Korean Aquacise ladies my kimchi questions: what’s the best container for storage? How long is it good for? Can you still eat it when it gets fizzy?? So many questions.
Of course, I’m not actually a professional, as I’ve only been at this kimchi game for less than 6 months. So, if you want to watch a pro, check out Maangchi.
I still don’t quite understand how you can dislike sauerkraut, but enjoy kimchi. But you know what?! I’ll take whatever fermented cabbage I can get!
Here in Alabama, we are 2 days into spring break. So far, we have…..we have…..we….um….
Ok, we haven’t done anything. I’ve been putting an hour of work into getting my vegetable garden started, so that if we make it to May, our little 18×23 Liberty Garden, Corona-Edition, will keep us fed. Here’s hoping we fare better than last year.
My gardening skills sort of come and go. Some years were super successful, while others were not so great.
Last year was one of those “not so great” years. As the first gardening season in Alabama, I had tremendously high hopes. I had a 3 season plan that would keep us in veggies from February through November. There were just a few issues.
The sad and lonely, gardenless arbor.
The first being, our Tigger-like pup, Emma, loves to help. She digs a mean hole, and is a professional at weed pulling. Of course, she doesn’t know the difference between a week and an actual plant, so everything gets yanked out, thrown around, and murdered by her. It’s so helpful. I bought some wire fence, some metal fence posts, and a gated arbor, to keep the garden monster out. I then spent a solid 3 months putting up the fence, the arbor, and digging out the grass.
The next issue was that I procrastinated like the true, Professional Procrastinator that I am. Once the garden was planted, I also noticed these little baby plants coming up in tidy little rows. I told Justin that we should wait and see (worst plan for any situation), because maybe they’re something.
Third, I took our kids to NY for a few weeks, and left my husband (who is often at work 16 hours a day, and sometimes as much as 40 hours straight) in charge of taking care of it. I came home to Jurassic Garden. At which point, not only was the entire space overrun with WILD MORNING GLORIES, but my little “Let’s see what these turn out to be” plants were really looking a lot like peanut plants. After 2 weeks of de-wild-morning-glorying the space, I decide to take inspiration from Jimmy Carter and become a peanut farmer……
…..Of course then it ended up my peanut plants were really some kind of weed that only looks peanutish, but is in fact a whole lot of nothing. Jimmy, I failed you.
My garden produced a solid 2 cucumbers. Which, in a space of 414sqft, is sad. I vowed that 2020 would be better than 2019.
February came and went. Every day I told myself that today would be the day I started this garden. Ok, maybe tomorrow. Ok, maybe Monday.
Then the world started freaking out and buying up meat and toilet paper. Nothing like a little Pandemic Panic to Prompt Produce Production. Let the planting begin!
Today is day 4 of my Garden jumpstart frenzy. I have just under 1/2 of the garden planted. According to my fancy Alabama Garden App (it’s a thing, don’t be jealous that you don’t live near a major agricultural university. We can’t all be this rural), I should start having vegetables by the beginning of May.
In the meantime, I guess it’s back to honing my “gathering” skills. Which, aren’t great. Justin told me he doesn’t think my giant dandelion plants are actually dandelions, so I should probably halt all attempts at feeding my family weeds. And since I’ve never shot a gun (don’t gasp. Just because I’m married to a gun-owning soldier does not mean I care to have anything to do with them myself), the hunting portion of this Covid Apocalypse is going to have to go on the back burner–where it will stay until the Zombie Apocalypse, at which time I suppose knowing how to shoot a gun will be a necessity.
As for the rest of spring break? Well, I’ve taken my usual social distancing and really kicked it right up into homebound recluse status. Are we almost out of juice? Yes. Have I decided that they can wait 2-4 months for our garden to start producing and then we can enjoy some fresh-squeezed tomato juice? Also yes. Pandemic Paranoia is Prominent.
I feel like I’ve been out in the world more in the last 3 days than in the last 3 decades. Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% on board with Social-Distancing. I just also have to feed my family.
Monday, I played “30 Items or Less” at the Commissary (they only allow you through self-checkout if you have 30 items or less). It’s my favorite game, in my least favorite place. I can never seem to choose the proper time to shop at the commissary–if you go too late in the day, it’ll be packed. If you go around lunch-time, you’ll get swarmed by soldiers rushing in on their lunch break to get their quick-shop on. And of course, if you’re a real glutton for punishment, you will go midday on payday. I hoped that by going early enough (even though Monday was dangerously close to payday), I could avoid the Toilet Paper Frenzy.
I have to admit something–some time in February, before the world started going to war over 2-ply, I purchased an 18 pack of mega-rolls. It was purchased in the middle of 2 weeks of nonstop rain. We’re not talking the rain that happens most places: “oh no, look at this rain. It’s been raining for days. But at least my flowers will grow.” We’re talking Chattahoochee River flooding, blinding rain, ditches that become small front yard rivers. After I brought in my food groceries, I looked like I had gone swimming in our ditch river, so I said to myself (I talk to myself…a lot…who doesn’t? No really, who are you, because I guess not everyone has internal monologue, and I want to know how you make it through the day without someone to talk to? Maybe my internal monologue is the reason I’m so ok with being alone), “I’ll just leave the toilet paper in the van until it stops raining.”
Waiting until it stopped raining turned into waiting until we actually needed it. Have you met me?? Sammi’s my name; Procrastination is my game. I’m a professional.
Days passed. Weeks passed. I knew it was back there, but…I’ll bring it in later. Until riots started breaking out over toilet paper! I jokingly said to Justin, “my car’s going to get broken into if I keep driving around with that package of toilet paper in my van!” He then gave me an ultimatum: bring the toilet paper inside, or start carrying a gun. Since I’ve never even shot a gun, I decided it would probably be safer for everyone if I just brought the toilet paper inside. Justin took one look at my 18 roll mega pack and said, “that’s it?! That’s all we have?!” Um, yes? A roll lasts probably a week (I’ve never actually paid attention to how long they last, but I feel like I only shout, “who-finished-the-toilet-paper-and-didn’t-replace-the-roll,” right around once a week.
Ok, back to Monday’s Commissary Shopping Extravaganza. Upon entering the store, I gasped at the overwhelming amount of produce! Yes! And even more amazing: they had toilet paper!!! I debated whether or not I should grab one, and decided to come back to it if I was under my 30 item limit by the end.
Of course, then I rounded the corner and realized there was no meat. It seems the only thing that scares people more than not being able to wipe their butt, is becoming vegan. Meanwhile, vegans everywhere are dancing around the fully-stocked produce section singing Captain Vegetable, and praising themselves for their life choices. I’m not judging–I have spent the last week kicking myself for not starting my vegetable garden in February like a good Alabama Hippie (does Alabama have hippies? Am I the only one? If we weren’t all trying to stay away from one another, I could probably start a support group for Bleeding Heart Liberal Hippies in Alabama…although I’d probably be the only person in the group).
Where am I? What’s happening? Oh yeah–lots of toilet paper; no meat. Moving on.
My 30 items ended up being VEGETABLES (so many vegetables), tomato sauce, milk, cheese, juice, and ice cream (the most essential item in any quarantine situation). Oh, what the heck, let’s get another package of toilet paper (it was a real “treat yo’self” moment).
Of course, then I spot the couple that had been walking around the store with twice the legal limit of paper products, in front of me at self-check out. The commissary has limited shoppers to 3 packages.
For those of you who are not military-affiliated, or have never had the joy of shopping at the commissary, they’re quite strict about shopping. I have to swipe my card at the kiosk, and show it to the cashier wandering around the self-checkout area. Somehow this couple managed to get past that, because wifey dug through her purse for 2 minutes and then whispered across to her husband, “honey, I can’t find my ID. Can I use yours??”
You’re already breaking the 3 package limit, by pretending to be unrelated, but now you’re going to break ID law?! And get away with it?! I have done commissary trips with both my Mom, and my Mother-in-Law, where, doing the mom thing, they have tried to pay for my groceries and gotten yelled at by the cashier. I believe my MIL was even told she couldn’t hand ME cash for me to then give the cashier (it’s cool–the drug deal just had to go down in the parking lot. Moms are resilient…and defiant).
If you hoard toilet paper, I will judge you. You have been warned.
Now we can skip ahead to Wednesday’s grocery trip. I hoped that Aldi would be spared from the madness, and for the most part, I was right! Except….the meat. I know, I know, we can survive without animal protein. But try telling Justin that. Are you willing to be there for him while he cries over a plate of beans and rice? I can’t handle that much drama in my life right now, ok?
The meat wasn’t entirely sold out–corned beef filled a shelf (thanks, I’ll take 2), and there were a whole 5 packages of chicken thighs. I’m not selfish or greedy, and even though I have a family to feed, I took one (the sign said I could take up to 6 of each type of meat. See what I did there? I thought about others–come on, give it a try). I then continued my shopping trip, stocking up on more than I would normally buy, but, in my defense, I’ve been playing the 30 Items or Less game since the start of 2020, trying to decrease the amount of food in my pantry. Foolish me, but who thought we would end up here??
I finish shopping, go through the checkout aisle (Ok, quick question, entirely off-topic? Are neck beards the new soul patch?? Because the cashier always has a clean-shaven face…but from his jaw line down, he’s got crazy beard things happening. I don’t know if maybe I’ve spent too much time social-distancing and am completely out of the loop? Or is he just a unique individual who refuses to conform to social norms), and spend the next 15 minutes trying to teach my children the proper way to pack a grocery bag (It’s like a beautiful puzzle of cans and potato chips–preferably not in the same bag). While we’re playing this portion of Life Lessons Brought to You by Pandemic, the gentleman behind me (an adorable old German–or Austrian man, somewhere around the age of 127), asks NeckBeard how he takes his coffee. “I am going to Dunkin’ Donuts after this, and I would like to buy you a cup of coffee.” And now my heart is melting from the overwhelming kindness I have now experienced on a Wednesday.
And then….I get to the parking lot. While I’m putting my groceries in the van, I watch an older southern lady make her way across the parking lot to the kind little old man and ask for his cart. She tries to hand him a quarter, and he refused it: “please, just take the cart. I do not need your quarter.” She then says, “us old-timers, we’ll get through this. We know how to survive in hard times. Not like them, “and then she pointed at me!!!” I looked straight at her and laughed: “HAHAHA.”
As I stated earlier, if you panic-hoard toilet paper, I will judge you. If you judge me for the amount of food I purchase to feed my family, I will do my best not to slap you. There are 40 extra hours a week that my pre-teens will be “starving!” I have to plan accordingly. Yes, this looks like a ridiculous cheese hoard, but it’ll most likely be gone by Monday.
Deep breath, Sammi. Focus on the kindness.
Justin worked late–his schedule this week is right around 38 hours at work, and 10 hours at home. This is not Covid-19 related–this is just how his job is sometimes. We sat down to eat dinner, and I told him about the meat options.
“Did you buy all the corned beef??” “No–they limited you to 6 packages.” “So you got six packages of corned beef?!” “No–I got 2.” “Ugh!!! Why didn’t you get six!?” “Gosh, I don’t know Justin. I figured we both don’t need to have hypertension.”
I was tempted to supplement our animal protein with eggs…but then I remembered that Cadbury Creme Eggs don’t count. And I feel like there would be a serious increase in Justin’s Pandemic Judgement if I told him I bought Aldi out of eggs. “Sammi, what eggs? There’s only one carton of eggs in here.” “No-no. I ran out of space in the fridge, so I put them in the freezer.” “You can’t freeze….oh Sammi………no!”
Gosh, now I want to go back to Aldi and buy all of their Cadbury Creme Eggs–that’s not a Pandemic Panic Purchase…that’s just Thursday.
Self-sabotage is my name, and unhealthy eating is my game.
I have decided that, starting tomorrow and continuing through the month of February, I will be giving up complex carbs. I should probably go ahead and give up over-eating.
But first, I had to say goodbye to all of my friends:
Donuts, bagels, sushi…yes, sushi is pretty healthy, but when you eat until you’re full, and then take 3 more bites, it loses its healthfulness.
I’m sitting here right now, having just finished a massive sushi platter, and then followed it with a Panera At Home Broccoli Cheddar Soup. I was full before I even started the soup, but I had already heated it up. In fact, the sushi only happened because I’m at work, and Xander asked me to get him lunch. I ran to the commissary, and then foolishly let myself walk by the sushi kiosk.
Now, I’m too full, and while I’m sitting here thinking, “oh my gut,” I’m debating if I should just sit back and wait to digest all of this, or if I should have one more bite.
Because one more bite will definitely fix the situation!
It won’t. I used to do the same thing when I was pregnant, but with acid reflux. “Oh, my acid reflux! Maybe I should have ice cream, because the Oreos are killing me!”
Step 1: Announce to Terry the Torturer my plan, so that in 3 days when I walk past a bagel and cry longingly, I will be less likely to grab it and cram it into my mouth as fast as possible. Because, if he found out, ooh I would be in so much trouble–which really means an hour of burpees on top of everything else he makes me do that day.
Step 2: Also admit to Terry the Torturer that I have been sabotaging myself these past few months. I know, we had this same talk this summer, when Water Park fried food was working against me. His words: “You work way too hard to sabotage yourself eating that crap.” He’s right. Sadface.
So long, tasty snack friends. Ben, Jerry, I’ll miss you too. But you’re making it too hard to reach my goal. We need a break.
My mouth will miss you, but my waistline will thank me for kissing you all goodbye…and then immediately devouring you.
Ok, my waistline (and scale) can start thanking me tomorrow.
I love food. I really do. My love for food outweighs my desire to be thinner, and I would REALLY like to be thinner. I can’t even attempt to deny it. Sweets will forever be my downfall.
Monday night, I let the kids each choose a place to get “special dinner,” which is a nice way of saying Fast Food. Justin was flying home from California (lucky–he never lets me go in his place on any work trips. Every time I say, “this time you stay home with the kids and I’ll go to,” wherever he’s headed, he just laughs at me. Not cool, Steeves), and we were at gymnastics until 6pm. So, after stopping at McDonald’s for Xander (his only requirement for fast food is a toy), we went to Taco Bell for Shea (her only requirement is Taco Bell. Every. Single. Time). Even though I told myself I wouldn’t do it, I went ahead and ordered a dozen (don’t judge me) Cinnabon Delights. They are so flipping amazing, and I really can’t help myself. Halfway home, I popped one in my mouth. And it was so……..
SPICY!!!!!!
What just happened!? I waited a minute and tried to figure out what exactly was wrong with my taste buds. I smelled them.
Taco seasoning?
I ate another. Sugary goodness, followed by a definite Tongue-on-Fire sensation.
This is the Universe punishing me for deciding to eat those super unhealthy, amazing balls of empty calories.
Xander said I looked like a princess from Candy Land. I have a hard time being normal.
This is also not the first time Food Karma has gotten me. Back in early December, toward the end of my grocery trip, I decided to treat myself to a (small) container of Nutella. Did I need it? No. Did I have to be able to fit into my military ball gown in less than a week? Yes. At the register I realized the top was broken-no big deal, I’ll probably eat this little baby container in one sitting (I told you not to judge). Of course then the cashier opened it and pointed out that the foil was broken, and asked if I wanted to go grab another one. I knew right there, this was my dress sending me a warning across the universe. Stop. You don’t need to be “treating” yourself to a tub of Nutella days before cramming yourself into a dress that is already a tight squeeze!
Thanks, Karma. As it was, I spent the military ball breathing shallow, and by the time we got home, I was pretty sure I just might pass out from the lack of oxygen. How in the world did women wear corsets!? I like my oxygen plentiful, and my lungs to be able to fully inhale. But my dress sure was pretty.
This time, the universe was probably telling me to stop whining when the number on the scale goes up. Or stop eating things like Cinnabon Delights. Instead, Shea helped herself to them.
“Shea, someone made a mistake and used something spicy when making these. Are you sure you still want one?” She then ate it and told me it only tasted spicy because she had eaten Fiesta Potatoes. The next morning she asked for a couple more, and then told me they were only spicy because I warmed them up in the microwave. She does not believe in Food Karma. Obviously I’m just doing something to make them taste spicy.
I should probably stop telling the Universe my intentions. I send my skinny thoughts out into the world, and they aren’t coming back in the form I would like them to. I would prefer to just lift weights and run and eat unhealthy deliciousness, and still lose weight. Instead, it comes back to me in the form of food sabotage. Thanks, Universe. Maybe I should appreciate and accept my Food Karma. Maybe I should practice a little more self-control.
